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楼主:天涯媒体 时间:2019年07月20日 15:49:11 点击:0 回复:0
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So, why does good sex so often fade,为何性爱的那么容易褪色?even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?就算是那些爱得如胶似漆的夫妇也无一例外。And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,为何亲密的爱情也无法维持的色呢?contrary to popular belief?这和我们普遍对性生活与爱情的关系的认知相违背。Or, the next question would be,或者说,换第二个问题:can we want what we aly have?我们能留住我们现有的性生活频率吗?Thats the million-dollar question, right?这可是个很值得研究的问题,对吧?And why is the forbidden so erotic?再者,为什么偷腥会令人如此彭拜?What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?又是什么东西令人在偷尝云雨之情时有如此旺盛的性欲呢?And why does sex make babies,又是为何性爱育了儿女and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?而儿女却最终反过来却成为夫妻性爱的灾难呢?Its kind of the fatal erotic blow, isnt it?这对于性欲可是种致命的打击,不是么?And when you love, how does it feel?还有,当你爱时,你有什么感受?And when you desire, how is it different?并且当你产生欲望时,这种感受又会有什么不同的变化?These are some of the questions这些都是that are at the center of my exploration我今天想要探讨的问题on the nature of erotic desire探索现代爱情中人类的原始性冲动and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.和其伴随而来的困境So I travel the globe,为了这一研究,我去了很多国家and what Im noticing is that而我注意到everywhere where romanticism has entered,凡是浪漫的国度there seems to be a crisis of desire.都面临着性欲消退的危机。A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --欲望消退危机----正如我们的需要一样,desire as an expression of our individuality,性欲作为我们对自身个体的表达:of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --是对于我们的自由选择、偏好和身份的一种需要desire that has become a central concept性欲已经成为as part of modern love and individualistic societies.现代爱情和崇尚个人主义的社会的核心概念You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind要知道,这是人类历史上首次where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term,我们长期体验性爱not because we want 14 children,不是为了生一大堆孩子,比如说14个。for which we need to have even more because many of them wont make it,或许我们部分人可能要生养育更多,以防很多可能会夭折,and not because it is exclusively a womans marital duty.也不是源于女人生儿育女的天职。This is the first time that we want sex over time人类第一次将我需要性的观点超越了仅仅是体内的性欲在作怪about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.是因为性爱能给人们带来愉悦和稳定的关系。So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?那么,究竟是什么在维持着人的性欲?而维持性欲为何又这么难呢?And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,要维持夫妻关系中的性欲的关键I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.我认为在于协调两种人类的基本需求。On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,一方面,是我们对安全、可预测性、for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence --安全感、可靠性、可依赖感和对永恒的需要。all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives所有这些生活中能为我们提供所需的厚实而安稳的体验的地方that we call home.就是我们所说的;家;。But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --但同时, 无论男女, 我们,还有另一种强烈的需要for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, 那就是对冒险,对新奇事物,神秘、危险、风险for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --以及对未知有的、预料之外和惊喜的渴望。you get the gist -- for journey, for travel.我的意思是我们喜欢出游,旅行So reconciling our need for security这就意味着在一段关系中,要协调我们对安稳感的需求and our need for adventure into one relationship,和对猎奇的需要,or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,我们今天称之为 “有的婚姻”used to be a contradiction in terms.过去曾是相互矛盾的的两个方面Marriage was an economic institution婚姻曾经是一种经济制度in which you were given a partnership for life你可以从中获得某种合作关系,in terms of children and social status它一般以孩子,社会地位and succession and companionship.继承权以及同伴的形式出现。But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,可如今,我们在希望我们的伴侣可以继续提供这些的同时but in addition I want you to be my best friend又要求他们成为我们的知己and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,做我们可交心的伴侣和四射的情人and we live twice as long.甚至还想长生不老呢So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them所以,当我碰到我们的另一半时,我们简直在向对方要求to give us what once an entire village used to provide:给我们这些过去原本一整个村庄才能提供的东西:Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity,如财产,名份,至死不渝的忠贞爱情,but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.同时你还得让我觉得你是卓尔不群,有神秘感和有敬畏心。Give me comfort, give me edge.安抚我的同时带给我刺激。Give me novelty, give me familiarity.给我新鲜感的同时又要保持亲密。Give me predictability, give me surprise.让我过安稳的日子的同时还要能给我惊喜。And we think its a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.多数人认为这是奉献,性玩具和性感睡衣就能解决这些问题。So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?现在我们应该说清楚性爱的现实部分了,对吧?Because I think, in some way -- and Ill come back to that --我觉得,从某种角度讲,一会我们再会回到这个话题but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.其实欲望危机就是想象力的危机。So why does good sex so often fade?那么为什么美妙的性爱体验容易消散呢?What is the relationship between love and desire?爱和欲之间的联系到底是什么呢?How do they relate, and how do they conflict?它们是怎样联系起来的,又是怎么相互冲突的呢?Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.横亘在这两者之间的是性欲的奥秘。So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, its ;to have.;如果要我用一个动词来描述爱,那就是“拥有;And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is ;to want.;而对于性欲,我想用;索求;来描述最恰当不过了。201505/373962And along with all my other exterior choices, I worked on, what actors call, my interior adjustment. I adjusted my natural temperament which tends to be slightly bossy, a little opinionated, loud, a little loud full of pronouncements and high spirits, and I willfully cultivated softness, agreeableness, a breezy, natural sort of sweetness, even shyness if you will, which was very, very, very effective on the boys. But the girls didnt buy it. They didnt like me; they sniffed it out, the acting. And they were probably right, but I was committed. This was absolutely not a cynical exercise; this was a vestigial survival courtship skill. I was developing. And I reached a point senior year, when my adjustment felt like me. I had actually convinced myself that I was this person, pretty, talented, but not stuck-up. You know, a girl who laughed a lot at every stupid thing every boy said and who lowered her eyes at the right moment and deferred, who learned to defer when the boys took over the conversation. I really remember this so clearly and I could tell it was working, I was much less annoying to the guys than I had been. They liked me better and I like that. That was conscious but it was at the same time motivated and fully felt. This was real, real acting.在我对外部事物不断做出选择的时候,我也致力于调整内部状态,这一点也是演员们经常提及的。我开始调整我的内在个性,改变原来的跋扈、固执、大声讲话、喜欢下命令、训斥和心高气傲的个性,逐渐培养自己轻柔、亲和、语音甜美自然甚至害羞的小女生气质。这一招,如果你愿意用的话,对男孩子很奏效。但是女孩却不买账,她们不喜欢我,对我的娇柔做作嗤之以鼻,说我是在演戏。也许她们是对的,但我觉得我应该这么做。这不是开玩笑,我是在练习已经退化了的情场生存技巧。随着时光的流逝,我不断改变自己。到了高三,我真的成了我想象中的那个女孩,我说自己相信我就是那个漂亮、聪明、平易近人的女孩。她在男生讲各种蠢笑话时咯咯地笑,适时低下眼睛假装害羞;在男生高谈阔论的时候表现出顺从。这些事情仍记忆犹新,事实上,这个方法真的很有效。那些男生都因此更喜欢我,包括原来那些不喜欢我的,而我也乐得继续假装下去。这些都是有意识的假装,但是同时,我却被此激励鼓舞,并且感觉这确实是完全真实的表演。201403/279243And you know, what struck me when I first met Barack was that even though he had this funny name, and even though he had grown up all the way across the continent in Hawaii, his family was so much like mine. He was raised by grandparents who were working-class folks just like my parents, and by a single mother who struggled to pay the bills just like we did. And like my family, they scrimped and saved so that he could have opportunities that they never had for themselves.尽管巴拉克有一个有趣的名字,尽管他一直在横跨大陆的夏威夷长大,当我第一次遇到他的时候,令我印象最深的却是,他的家庭和我的家庭极其相似。他由外祖父母和单身妈妈抚养长大,和我父母一样,他的外祖父母属于工薪阶层,而他的妈妈则为付各种账单而忙碌着,这也和我们所做的一样。和我们家一样,他们精打细算,厉行节约,以便让巴拉克得到他们自己永远也得不到的机会。And Barack and I were raised with so many of the same values, like you work hard for what you want in life; that your word is your bond; that you do what you say youre going to do; that you treat people with dignity and respect, even if you dont know them and even if you dont agree with them.巴拉克和我在成长过程中被灌输了许多相同的价值观,比如:要想在生活中得到什么就必须努力工作;话即契约,君子一言驷马难追;言必行,行必果;待人以敬,即使你不认识他们,即使你不同意他们的观点。And Barack and I set out to build lives guided by these values and to pass them on to the next generation, because we want our children and all children in this nation to know that the only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work hard for them.就是在这样的价值观指导下,巴拉克和我开始开创我们的人生,并把这些价值观传到下一代,因为我们想让我们的孩子和全美国的孩子知道,唯一限制你的成就高度的是你梦想的广度和为之努力的程度。And as our friendship grew and I learned more about Barack, he introduced me to work--the work that hed done when he first moved to Chicago after college. You see, instead of heading to Wall Street, Barack moved to work in neighborhoods that had been devastated by the closing of steel plants. Jobs dried up. And Barack was invited back to speak to people from those neighborhoods about how to rebuild their community.随着我们之间友谊的加深,我越来越了解巴拉克。他向我介绍他的工作——那是他大学毕业后第一次移居到芝加哥时所做的那份工作。你们知道,巴拉克没有去华尔街工作,而是去了那些因钢铁工厂倒闭而遭受重创的社区。许多人失了业。巴拉克被邀请回来向那些地区的人们演讲如何重建他们的社区。 /201308/253955

So the native kids outdid the Microsoft kids.印第安孩子战胜了微软孩子。This happened because the meaning of effort and difficulty were transformed.这得以实现的原因,是努力与困难的意义在孩子心目中发生了改变。Before, effort and difficulty made them feel dumb, made them feel like giving up,but now, effort and difficulty,thats when their neurons are making new connections,stronger connections. 在此之前,努力与困难让他们感觉自己很笨, 让他们想放弃,但如今,正是努力与困难让他们大脑中的神经元得以形成新的连接,更强的连接。Thats when theyre getting smarter.正是在这个过程中,他们变得越来越聪明。I received a letter recently from a 13-year-old boy.最近,我收到一个13岁男孩的来信。He said, ;Dear Professor Dweck,I appreciate that your writing is based on solid scientific research,and thats why I decided to put it into practice. 他说,亲爱的德韦克教授,我欣赏你的著作, 因为它们都基于可靠的科学试验,因此,我决定将你的方法付诸实践。I put more effort into my schoolwork,into my relationship with my family,and into my relationship with kids at school,and I experienced great improvement in all of those areas.我更用功地学习,更用心地处好与家人的关系,与同学的关系,而在这些方面我都有了长足的进步。I now realize Ive wasted most of my life.现在我才意识到,过去浪费了太多生命。Lets not waste any more lives,because once we know that abilities are capable of such growth,it becomes a basic human right for children, all children,to live in places that create that growth,to live in places filled with yet. 让我们不再浪费生命,因为,既然我们知道能力可以增长,那么,生活在一个能激发进步并让这一切变得可能的地方就是每个孩子的权利。Thank you.谢谢。201507/385091

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